When Awareness Becomes Natural by Sayadaw U Tejaniya

Author:Sayadaw U Tejaniya
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Shambhala

5

The Depression

MY FIRST ENCOUNTER with depression, which was quite brief, became apparent when I was taken out of school and brought into the family business. It was not so strong and did not last very long. I was unaware of what caused it and did not tie in the outward signs of anger and the internal feelings of anxiety, fear, and agitation to how depressed I was feeling. My abuse of drugs certainly did not help and probably exacerbated the problem. Because I was so out of control, it was a forgone conclusion that I would go off to stay with Sayadawgyi for an extended length of time. During my stay Sayadawgyi was naturally very aware of how I was feeling, and he would say, “Just keep practicing and watch your mind.” I was practicing samatha, or concentration meditation, because it was the only way I could find relief from the anxieties and fear that I was experiencing. When I practiced samatha, my fear would recede because I was focused on one object, but when I practiced vipassanā, I would start to worry. Spreading my attention brought in many objects, and I would find it hard to cope. My wisdom was not strong enough to help me face the turmoil that was happening in my mind. The instructions Sayadawgyi gave over this period varied. Sometimes he would say, “Watch this object; watch that object,” or many objects; it depended on how he perceived my ability to face my mind. Sayadawgyi’s main approach was to watch the mind (cittānupassanā), but he would give samatha instruction if and when it was needed. I thought when I took robes that time, it would be forever, but with pressure from the family to come back and help with the business, I finally succumbed after two years away and disrobed.

I came away from my stay at the monastery with wisdom a little more consolidated. Samādhi, however, even though quite strong because of the samatha I had been practicing, was still too fragile to stand up to the influences that were at work in the outside world, and it was not long before I gave in to old attachments to find some happiness in my life. Around then I began noticing my wisdom mind making its presence felt. Even though I was still getting up to all my old tricks—drugs and bad behavior and so forth—there was something in my mind saying, “This is not good; this is not right.” I was beginning to feel guilt and shame; wisdom was beginning to gain a little weight and stand up to the defilements. For the next few years, there was this constant conflict in my mind, wisdom and the defilements going at it. From this conflict I would experience many unpleasant feelings, mainly anxiety, agitation, fear, and anger; but because I could distract myself by misbehaving and getting up to no good, I was not aware that depression was beginning to gather momentum and take hold.

VEDANĀ (FEELINGS)

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